A change in direction. Watch this space.
The thing I find hard to process about having CF is the speed at which things can change. I can feel on top of the world for weeks and within two days I can crash to the floor in an exhausted, breathless coughing mess. When I’m flying high, I can focus, plough through and sparkle to where I need to be. When I crash, it’s my physical ability that changes but my mindset stays the same. It’s like driving at the speed limit to a holiday of a life time and suddenly running out of fuel on the way. Why didn’t you plan for that? Why didn’t you stop on the way? Why didn’t you slow down?
Having spent several months following the care plan I should have always followed and doing the exercise I should have kept up with beyond my early twenties, it is obvious that a career in law was never going to allow me to look after myself the way I should. Beyond my love of Ally McBeal, the fact that it was so unsuitable is probably the thing that attracted me to it in the first place. Even owning the law firm, being the one in charge of my own work load didn’t make that much of a difference, if I’m really being honest with myself. I had the lovely, supportive, caring staff and the flexible hours but I have always given myself more than I should. I have always struggled to pace myself. Throw in a small child, two part time teenagers, a dog and a renovation project and I had no chance. The time I have spent on myself lately has made a significant difference. I can’t prevent illness but hopefully my body will recover more quickly than before and the fall won’t be as far.
Doing everything and managing CF the way I should is not something I could have carried on indefinitely without bending time and adding a few more hours into my days. I haven’t worked out how to do that and I’m exhausted. I will admit to having had more than a few mornings over the last few months, where I have been awake way before the birds and not even the dawn chorus has distracted me from my thoughts.
So, (deep breath) …I’m taking some time out. I’m choosing to do it at a time when it is an option rather than it being forced upon me as an urgent necessity.
Today, I left the office one last time and handed my keys over.
My immediate task is to change my biography on my blog. I no longer own a law firm. I am, however, in control of my decisions.
For the next few months my focus will be on my family and my health. Beyond that, I honestly don’t know. I need to work out, in my own head, what level of work does suit a woman, a Mother, fastly approaching her fortieth birthday who actively manages a health condition and whether that level of work is compatible with the legal profession at all. Just writing that makes me feel queasy.
So, for now, in order to avoid falling into an unhealthy obsession with chocolate, vodka or Hugh Grant, my chin is up, my eyes are focussed ahead and I am proudly wearing the glossiest lipstick and the highest heels I can find.
Moving forward, I have always wanted to write a novel. I also have a house project to finish. More than anything, I want to be here to see my daughter grow up, get married and have her own children.
Fortunately, I have a very supportive and hard working husband, a large, caring family and fabulous friends. I also have access to incredible doctors. In the grand scheme of things I am extremely lucky.
So…, who knows? Watch this space