Wednesday 14 January 2016
Today I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from a happy client. I can’t keep them in the office because Sarah is allergic to flowers (and most cosmetics, cleaning products, dust, dairy, wheat and oats). She is the one person I interact with who makes me feel normal. The flowers will look great in my living room.
Sarah is pregnant. Despite being allergic to dairy, over the last few weeks she has experienced a constant craving for chocolate. I keep unintentionally discovering her secret chocolate stash. I have opened books to find dairy milk inside and chocolate eggs inside cups. I found a multipack of mint Aeros in her filing cabinet. I have been tempted to swap the chocolate around but I haven’t…yet.
I manage twenty minutes at lunch to research the best approach to potty/toilet training. It must start to work at some point. I actually remember sitting on my potty. I have no idea how old I was. It worked for me. She’ll be fine.
A cautious midafternoon telephone call from nursery and five outfits later, we are going back to pull ups for a few months. I have discussed it with H’s key worker and therefore it is a sensible, thoughtful decision. It is not the socially irresponsible, easy way out. Mornings will be slightly easier though. I am going to use the time to ensure I keep up with the meds.
I have booked a week’s annual leave in March and we’re going to Center Parcs with the family. We’ll try again then.
I can manage Center Parcs, the thought doesn’t worry me. I really must get over my fear of flying. I’ve always enjoyed experiencing new things and making plans but as a Mother I’m scared of most things. I’ve tried to work out why. Is it because I have CF and I’m scared of leaving her too soon? Is it because I’m too controlling? Some control is absolutely necessary: control your condition, control the coughing, maintain compliance with the medication routine, as a lawyer control the risk, and manage your client’s expectation. It’s hard to switch it off. I’m comfortable with control.
I am regularly told I was a bossy child. Things had to be done the way I liked and they still do. I’ve always tried to control that side of my personality. H is bossy. She knows what she wants and she knows how to ask for it. I see that as a quality in her. Perhaps I should embrace my “bossy” side too?